I used to work at Walt Disney World! There isn’t a ride there in any of the theme parks which I have not ridden. Although, many others can say that–I HATE roller coasters! I will not ride them at any other theme park anywhere! I am terrified of heights. I don’t even like glass enclosed elevators. Therefore, to have ridden every single ride at WDW, even Tower of Terror and Rockin’ Roller Coaster took some true mental push-ups! (Not to mention, the constant companionship of long time best friend, Kevin!)
My lack of affinity for roller coasters is one reason I think I love Fridays. I work in the morning, wind down from my week and by the time my step-kids are home from school I am done for the day. I turn off twitter feed, post a final weekend update on Facebook and unplug. It is my own way of welcoming Shabbat and finding some sense of spirituality in my world. It works for me.
Today, I do not feel ready to embrace the serenity. I still feel as if I’m hanging upside down in mid-loop on the roller coaster that has been my week.
I had incredible highs this week! I was honored to be able to moderate a panel for the Austin chapter of the Association of Women in Communications. It was exciting to share the wisdom of three women I admire with the audience. Last night, I went to my first step-mothers support group. I was welcomed with open arms. After admitting I had been cyber-stalking them for a year before I finally got the nerve to attend, the affirmative nods of the heads made me laugh. One woman said, “One of the commonalities we all have is how alone we all feel!” After an hour and a half of their company I felt renewed and refreshed.
But, the highs of this week are overshadowed by the twists and turns of the coaster. The part of the ride that turns your stomach inside out.
When, one’s parents get divorced I imagine it must feel just like that–every day brings a new twist or turn as you try and learn your way around new surroundings, new scheduling and potentially new people in your life in the form of step-parents. If you don’t want to direct your anger at either parent, then God seems like a reasonable target?
I am a writer, I have words for everything–sometimes to many. Except, for right now! Today! I have no words to explain that anger in God and faith in God are not mutually exclusive ideas.
It is impossible for me to answer why to have a Bat Mitzvah, even if one is questioning faith. Bat Mitzvah is an affirming ceremony in which you stand before your community and accept your role as a Jewish adult. I can’t seem to formulate an answer, despite my ultimate belief of the importance of the ritual, to the incredibly wise and mature question, “How would that not be a lie?”
God, I know soon the ride is going to pull into the station and the overhead lap bar will automatically rise and I will be asked to exit to my right while on coming passengers load to my left. But, before you pull me into the station, please help me. Help me to find the words for someone else to feel Shabbat this week too!